I’d love to sit here on a pedestal and act like I’m completely comfortable with who I am, but I’d be lying to you and I don’t lie on GrrlPunch. I feel that sometimes I’m inclined to act as if everything is A OKAY to keep the boat from capsizing and it sucks. I’m not even talking about putting on a mask for other people, but also for myself. I tell myself “it’s okay, she’s not that great, he’ll realize you’re here one day” or “grades don’t matter at all, they can’t truly measure your intelligence” or “a score on a standardized test doesn’t limit what you’re truly capable of”. But I feel like a broken record or maybe even a broken person when I have to remind myself that even if I’m not okay, I’m okay. Right before the GrrlPunch event started a month ago I looked at a close friend of mine and I told her I couldn’t do it. We were literally an hour away from opening the doors and I was ready to call it all off and run home. As I stood there and poured my heart out over how scared I was of what everyone was going to think of our lame ass streamers and asking the never ending question of why I preach independence and self love, but all I want is for some high school idiot of a boy to depend on to make me feel “safe” she stood there quietly and finally when I finished all she said was “you can do this, all you need is yourself”. And it was true, I did it and it was great and although I had a panic attack every 5 seconds and yes of course I was still thinking about being alone, it was all okay. I’m not telling you this to make you feel safe or that everything you’re scared of will work out because although my friend was there for me in that moment and everything did work out, there was no simple solution to what I was feeling. We search for these quick fixes that will hopefully make us numb at least for a little while, but what I’m coming to terms with is that those simple solutions don’t exist. If you take anything from these random thoughts I’m typing out this is what I want to leave you with: it’s scary to think that nothing can solve these insecurities that are constantly playing back in your head a million times a second, but just know that everyone around you no matter how flawless their complexion may be or how many friends they have or how cool their clothes are or even how nice and sweet of a person they are: they’re going through the same thing. And I’m no exception.
Much Love Always,