I’ve never been in love, and right now I don’t particularly want to be. Love is big and scary. It’s something that, once it takes momentum, I know I won’t be able to control. It could leave me feeling completely elevated and happy or in utter heartbreak. Love is scary because it is partially in the hands of someone else. Love is scary because it is unpredictable. And love is scary because you are expected to trust it.
That being said, I am extremely boy crazy. The majority of my friends could quote me with saying, “UGH I want a boyfriend” at least once a week since I was about 13. In my 2 years since then, my infatuation with boys has only gotten worse. I love the butterflies and the crushes, the shallow stuff that doesn’t always lead to deeper feelings. I love that stage of harmless and flirtatious conversations that leave you feeling happy and never threaten heartbreak. I love when you imagine endless possibilities with him just before you fall asleep, and yet you never have to actually engage in these experiences. They remain untouched in your head to play out perfectly and can never be tarnished by real life or real experiences.
As amazing as butterflies are and as much as I would love to never be hurt, I need to be able to let myself fall in love. I need to let my guard down because maybe the point of love is not always to have a happy ending, but to form relationships in which you can learn from the other person and learn more about yourself. Fear should never keep you from experiencing something, so my fears should not keep me from experiencing love. Because maybe love itself is better than butterflies, but at this rate I will never know.