I identify as certain things. A girl, bisexual, a writer, a feminist. But sometimes it feels like I don’t fit squarely into the groups that I want to be a part of. I’m a proud feminist and I always will be, but I worry that I shouldn’t be so outspoken, since I really haven’t faced many obstacles based on my gender. I feel like I don’t…deserve to be so passionate about feminism, since I haven’t experienced the most insidious forms of sexism.
I’m definitely not straight, but I hesitate to call myself queer or gay. I’ve only lived as bisexual for about a year, and I usually pass as straight, since I’m pretty feminine. Bisexuality is seen as a diluted form of gayness, like I’m only half-LGBT. Also, I’ve loved to write since I can remember, but it still almost feels weird to call myself a writer, because I don’t quite eat-breathe-and-sleep writing. And I definitely don’t think of myself as an artist.
This “not quite” feeling applies to many of my identifiers: athlete, debater, and more. I don’t know what it is–maybe a weird form of imposter syndrome, or an unconscious reluctance to label myself? Maybe I’m just struggling to find the right way to describe myself and realizing there are no words that completely fit. Bisexual erasure and the complicated minefield of “being a good feminist” are probably parts of it too. Hopefully once I’m an adult, I’ll have a better idea of who I am, and a more confident sense of belonging to my identities. Of course, I’m sure that I’ll feel weird calling myself an adult until I’m about 30, so age might just complicate things. About the only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not sure about anything. But I guess that’s enough for now.