It’s February 1st, but it’s 60 degrees where I live and that feels incredibly wrong. January also felt wrong for a large portion of the month and I guess it just carried over. Reflecting back on January, I spent the entire month waiting for it to be over and for the next four months to fly by as well. As I was lying restless in my bed last night, I remembered that November seemed like just yesterday so, maybe I was getting my wish. Enough reflection, I’m sick of January. I’m sick of February too, but here’s why.
Last month I was craving change so badly that I got bangs and there’s no telling what I’ll do to my physical appearance this month because that yearning for change hasn’t gone away. Throughout January, my need for change became so strong that I started sabotaging aspects of my life to “encourage” change. In my twisted mind it made sense to force this change by ruining things subconsciously because hey, at least something would be different, right? But all that really did was eff things up that didn’t need to be effed up. So here I am with curly hair and bangs and I’m okay. I’m okay because, fortunately, I have to force myself to write these editor’s notes and reflect on the good, bad, and ugly of last month and therefore learn from it (so maybe you won’t EFF up like I do).
I think the root of this madness for change is the fact that I turn nineteen in two months. *Wow, huge accomplishment alert* I hope you can detect the sarcasm in that last sentence because otherwise you probably think I’m a little shit. But really, I thought I’d have more done by the time I was nineteen. I thought GrrlPunch would be bigger, I thought I’d be loving college and patting myself on the back for the good decision I made, and I thought I’d be more of an adult than I am now. ((My mother recently had to FORCE me to buy a winter coat and stop wearing sweatshirts everywhere.)) However, none of this has come true and my wildest dreams are stuck being benchwarmers at the unexciting NBA game of my life. *what a shit metaphor!* I’m done seeking ch-ch-chnages for the month of February in hopes that it will be much better than my January. This editor’s note is turning into a bad stand up routine, but really I’m so tired of seeking the biggest things in life when they should just “just happen”.
So maybe February will be the month where I calm the eff down and actually get a good nights rest instead of allowing my mind to constantly run wild. Maybe it won’t? Our theme for the month is Mystique. Wow, what a word.
When I first started dating my boyfriend, he told me that I was intimidating as hell when we first met, mostly because of the way I carry myself. So maybe I had a mystique about me that was terrifying or mysterious back then. I can tell you that I definitely do not anymore. I have no aura of mystery or power that is seemingly fascinating or desirable. Probably because I publish my innermost thoughts on a very public website. I don’t want our readers to take this theme as something they need to strive for in the coming month. Don’t take this as “the GrrlPunch grrls say I need to be more mysterious, etc.” because I am here to say that I don’t give a damn about mystique. I place more importance on transparency and honesty than an aura of “as much as you try, you’ll never know everything about me”. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. Some thing in your life need to stay personal, but I believe the only way to really know yourself and allow others to know you is through opening up and throwing your mystique down the trash shoot. Here are some suggestions:
1. Talk to yourself more. YEAH, act crazy and talk to yourself, whether it’s out loud or in your head. This is an awesome way to get shit done like a grrlboss.
2. Stop making your to-do lists so long! You can only get so much done in a day, accept that and stop beating yourself up for not placing check marks next to everything.
3. Treat yourself. Do not feel guilty for catering to your own happiness, eat that damn candy bar, buy that book, buy those shoes, do what you gotta do.
4. Start your day with your favorite new music. This helps me SO much. That Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify can be really awesome (or not at all). Expand your repertoire.
5. I started working out recently. I’m not saying you should work out at all, but it helped me. When I’ve had a bad, long day or I’m pissed about something I can’t change I go and push myself and it makes me feel so much better. If you have a hard time getting frustration out, it’s something to try. (Or try writing more!)
I think I’m fresh out of advice and reflection for today. If I remember something incredibly important I’ll mention it in this month’s podcast! I’m really excited for the articles and artwork we will be publishing this month and I hope you are too! Have an amazing February, grrls. Kick some ass.
**UPDATE: Queen Bey is having TWINS so everything’s fine, February’s fine, everything is GREAT.**