In the past, the majority of high school and college students collectively decided Dude with the Messenger Bag was the number one most irritating voice to hear in a seminar. You may know him by his other common aliases: “Perpetual Devil’s Advocate,” “Relentless Hand-Raiser,” and “Mr. I’m Not Wrong, You Just Don’t Understand Me.”

A recent survey of young educated people across the nation concluded that while Dude may have condescending counterarguments and sesquipedalian class blog-posts, he is in fact NOT the most obnoxious student in the class. Every single American student from the ages of 14-22 agree that the first student to scoff at Dude is the one to elicit the most anger.

These frustrating reactions to Dude, ranked from Pls Stfu to I’m Gonna Dropkick You, are as follows: exaggerated eyebrow raise, shocked wide-eyed side-to-side glance, purposefully loud mutter, and poorly executed sarcasm. Data supports the claim that reactions to Dude are so infuriating that no one else can get their two points for talking without instinctively leaning across the circle of desks and putting the student in a choke hold.

When asked about the new discovery, Virginia college student Alexis Schroeder explained, “It’s one thing to be a douche in class, but it’s another to give the douche attention. I mean, like, it just draws the whole thing out.”

It turns out that reacting to Dude in hopes to create some #relatablecontent for the class just further aggravates the crowd. In the future, students may return to their hate for Dude or regress even further to their disdain for Teacher’s Pet. As of now, both the National Parent Teacher Association and the National Education Association released statements agreeing that they just can’t f*cking stand any of them.


Christina McBride