GH: Completed —-
You asked me “forever”?
I said yes
You told me you loved me
I told you I loved you more
You told me that I was the only person in the world
that could make you feel the way I did.
I didn’t say anything back,
but I felt the same way.
You told me I was the most beautiful girl you had ever seen
to distract me
so that you could take everything
while I wasn’t looking
Because I was too busy staring into your eyes
Full of love
Full. Of. Love.
OVERFLOWING WITH LOVE
To notice your hands scooping my organs out
from inside of me.
To notice your hands tearing me up into little pieces
To notice your hands touching her
To notice your hands fucking her.
To notice your hands.
To notice your intentions.
To notice your problems.
To notice your addictions (and how much more important they were to you than I was).
To notice your habits.
To notice your flaws.
I thought that maybe if I loved you enough,
Maybe if I loved you hard enough,
Maybe if I showed you that no matter how shitty you were,
that I could still love you,
Maybe if I showed you that despite your flaws,
your shortcomings, your compulsive lying,
that I could be there for you,
Maybe if I stuck around juuuuuuust long enough,
That I would one day benefit from a better you.
An improved you.
A healthy you.
But you left me before we could get that far.
And your hands took everything with you
and left me with nothing.
Nothing of my own,
Nothing of yours,
Nothing at all.
TALK TO YOU TOMORROW
You haven’t spoken to me in months,
the last words you said to me were
“I love you, I’ll talk to you tomorrow”
In rehab they teach you to forget everything
but I’ll never forget that the sweater in the back of my closet belonged to you
or our first kiss under the stars in the middle of no where Illinois
In rehab they teach you to dissociate from your past
but all I wanted was for you to get better
so why did you have to leave me behind with
all of the drugs,
It’s hard to be associated with such a negative time in someones life
Especially when that person meant the world to you.
It kills me to see that you can ride my longboard
and look at her in my sweater
without even remembering that once I was the one
holding your hand.
Once I was the one supporting you and encouraging you.
But in rehab they teach you to forget that.
My dad still calls doug’s office doug’s office
even though he died three years ago, sort of
like I still call you the love of my like
even though you left me last winter.
It’s funny how things stay the same to some
people even after they’ve changed so much.
Saw a picture of you today
on your old go kart
the one your parents bought you
before the only thing you cared about having
I was transported back to a time
to all the times
that I sat there
in your backyard with you
and your little brother
in Taylorville, Illinois
and watched y’all
ride that go kart like you were kids again.
That picture of you
in your go kart
took me back.
Took me back to a time where we loved each other–
or at least I loved you
and you pretended that you loved me too.
It transported me back to the
California king sized bed
that I would sleep in when I came in town to visit you.
The California king sized bed
that we shared so many times
in the middle of the night
before your parents woke up.
It transported me back to the lake
where we would sit
and think about the beautiful, wonderful, loving future
that we wanted with each other.
Or at least,
that I wanted with you.
It took me back to when we knew each other.
To when we woke up every morning to each other’s
“good morning, I love you”
texts and fell asleep each night
still face timing because we
couldn’t get enough.
We couldn’t get enough.
And now, here we are–living our respective lives apart from each other.
Me, staring at this picture of you
sitting in your old go kart
right next to a picture of you
moving in with your new girlfriend
living your life
You have erased every memory of me,
yet here I am, smiling, looking at a picture of you
In your old go kart.
SELF REFLECTION: In progress——-
AUTOMATIC SENSOR LIGHTS
I wish that something inside of me would
awaken like those automatic sensor lights do as
you walk past them.
I wish I could have some sort of realization
about myself like autocorrect does when you
get so close to something that it can finally
make sense out of it and turn it into what you
wanted it to be.
PLACES IN BETWEEN
I like the places in between.
The places that aren’t places so much as they are moments.
Moments that people share,
and one day will share.
I like plane rides and car rides and train rides and
Temporary instances in every day life that give
strangers common ground.
Places that make anyone’s life relatable.
I like the places in between.
The green area separating two buildings
that can only be seen from bridges when they’re being driven over.
The art underneath underpasses made in cities
filled with misunderstood virtuosos that never
got the chance to have their art in galleries
or displayed on the walls of a family with three homes,
and seven master bed rooms.
The abandoned buildings that were once so beautiful
and have grown to be even more beautiful as nature
has begun to take back what
she rightfully owns.
I like the places in between.
The constant uncertainty of what may come next.
The constant wonder of what could happen
within a single day.
The change that could take place in ones life
within such a short period of time.
I like the earth,
because if you think about it,
everything that happens here,
everywhere you go–
it’s all just a place in between.
BB: In progress–CHRONOLOGICAL
Sitting in my bathroom with you
catching your puke in a trash can
shaving my legs in between puke intervals
realizing with each passing minute
that I will always be the one catching the puke
and never the one who’s head is being held up
You were the only thing keeping my head above water
I should have known after the first time
you ditched me that it would happen again.
I didn’t want to believe it though.
I wanted this to be special.
I wanted something to finally be special.
But it wasn’t–at least not to you.
And that was enough to ruin it.
To ruin me.
All. Over. Again.
TINY CIRCLE BANDAID
The sweat on your skin
leaves my lips burning
as I kiss my way down your spine
The words “i love you”
set my tongue on fire
because I am still broken
(And know I don’t mean it with my whole heart)
Even though you’ve partially fixed me
something is still missing
and it feels like I’m trying to cover
a six inch gash with a
tiny circle bandaid.
With each passing day I grow more and more fond of you
I’m still trying to decide if this is me settling
Or if this is me finding the third person
On the timeline of the greatest loves of my life
Part of me is hoping that it’s the second–
that we’ll only grow closer and closer
That every time we look into each other’s eyes
we will fall deeper and deeper
But another part of me,
maybe a bigger part of me,
is much too afraid to let myself care about
anyone as much as they deserve to be cared about.
Afraid to let someone new into my heart
because every other time that I have,
I have been ignored and disposed of
The minute I decided to truly let them in.
I love you,
but I miss him.
I look at the stars and they remind me of my past with him
but I also wish to share the experience of
seeing them like this with you.
Clouds of light shining on my tired eyes.
Sitting alone on this mountain
stuck between two worlds–
one of my past
one of my present.
Or maybe my future?
I feel like I’m stuck in some weird
romantically depressing yet also exciting limbo
and can’t put my finger on what is different
or what has changed
but I know it’s for the better
because for once, I’m happy.
And although it will take some getting used to,
I’m glad that things are the way that they are
Rather than the way that they were
Because I love you.
I love you
I love you
I love you!
And I can tell–for once–that you love me too.