GH: Completed —-


You asked me “forever”?

I said yes

You told me you loved me

I told you I loved you more

You told me that I was the only person in the world

that could make you feel the way I did.

I didn’t say anything back,

but I felt the same way.

You told me I was the most beautiful girl you had ever seen

to distract me

so that you could take everything

while I wasn’t looking

Because I was too busy staring into your eyes

Full of love

Full. Of. Love.


To notice your hands scooping my organs out

from inside of me.

To notice your hands tearing me up into little pieces

To notice your hands touching her

To notice your hands fucking her.

To notice your hands.

To notice your intentions.

To notice your problems.

To notice your addictions (and how much more important they were to you than I was).

To notice your habits.

To notice your flaws.

I thought that maybe if I loved you enough,

Maybe if I loved you hard enough,

Maybe if I showed you that no matter how shitty you were,

that I could still love you,

Maybe if I showed you that despite your flaws,

your shortcomings, your compulsive lying,

that I could be there for you,

Maybe if I stuck around juuuuuuust long enough,

That I would one day benefit from a better you.

An improved you.

A healthy you.

But you left me before we could get that far.

And your hands took everything with you

and left me with nothing.

Nothing of my own,

Nothing of yours,

Nothing at all.



You haven’t spoken to me in months,


the last words you said to me were

“I love you, I’ll talk to you tomorrow”


In rehab they teach you to forget everything

but I’ll never forget that the sweater in the back of my closet belonged to you

or our first kiss under the stars in the middle of no where Illinois

In rehab they teach you to dissociate from your past

but all I wanted was for you to get better

so why did you have to leave me behind with

all of the drugs,


and lies?

It’s hard to be associated with such a negative time in someones life

Especially when that person meant the world to you.

It kills me to see that you can ride my longboard

and look at her in my sweater

without even remembering that once I was the one

holding your hand.

Once I was the one supporting you and encouraging you.

But in rehab they teach you to forget that.


My dad still calls doug’s office doug’s office

even though he died three years ago, sort of

like I still call you the love of my like

even though you left me last winter.

It’s funny how things stay the same to some

people even after they’ve changed so much.


Saw a picture of you today

on your old go kart

the one your parents bought you

before the only thing you cared about having

was drugs

I was transported back to a time

to all the times

that I sat there

in your backyard with you

and your little brother

in Taylorville, Illinois

and watched y’all

ride that go kart like you were kids again.

That picture of you

in your go kart

took me back.

Took me back to a time where we loved each other–

or at least I loved you

and you pretended that you loved me too.

It transported me back to the

California king sized bed

that I would sleep in when I came in town to visit you.

The California king sized bed

that we shared so many times

in the middle of the night

before your parents woke up.

It transported me back to the lake

where we would sit

and talk

and think about the beautiful, wonderful, loving future

that we wanted with each other.

Or at least,

that I wanted with you.

It took me back to when we knew each other.

To when we woke up every morning to each other’s

“good morning, I love you”
texts and fell asleep each night

still face timing because we

couldn’t get enough.

We couldn’t get enough.

And now, here we are–living our respective lives apart from each other.

Me, staring at this picture of you

sitting in your old go kart

right next to a picture of you

moving in with your new girlfriend

and you,

living your life

post rehab

having totally

and completely




You have erased every memory of me,

yet here I am, smiling, looking at a picture of you

In your old go kart.

SELF REFLECTION: In progress——-


I wish that something inside of me would

awaken like those automatic sensor lights do as

you walk past them.

I wish I could have some sort of realization

about myself like autocorrect does when you

get so close to something that it can finally

make sense out of it and turn it into what you

wanted it to be.


I like the places in between.

The places that aren’t places so much as they are moments.

Moments that people share,


and one day will share.

I like plane rides and car rides and train rides and

waiting rooms.

Temporary instances in every day life that give

strangers common ground.

Places that make anyone’s life relatable.

I like the places in between.

The green area separating two buildings

that can only be seen from bridges when they’re being driven over.

The art underneath underpasses made in cities

filled with misunderstood virtuosos that never

got the chance to have their art in galleries

or displayed on the walls of a family with three homes,

a maid,

and seven master bed rooms.

The abandoned buildings that were once so beautiful

and have grown to be even more beautiful as nature

has begun to take back what

she rightfully owns.

I like the places in between.

The constant uncertainty of what may come next.

The constant wonder of what could happen

within a single day.

The change that could take place in ones life

within such a short period of time.

I like the earth,

because if you think about it,

everything that happens here,

everywhere you go–

it’s all just a place in between.



Sitting in my bathroom with you

catching your puke in a trash can

shaving my legs in between puke intervals

realizing with each passing minute

that I will always be the one catching the puke

and never the one who’s head is being held up


You were the only thing keeping my head above water

I should have known after the first time

you ditched me that it would happen again.

I didn’t want to believe it though.
I wanted this to be special.
I wanted something to finally be special.

But it wasn’t–at least not to you.

And that was enough to ruin it.

To ruin me.

All. Over. Again.


The sweat on your skin

leaves my lips burning

as I kiss my way down your spine

The words “i love you”

set my tongue on fire

because I am still broken

(And know I don’t mean it with my whole heart)

Even though you’ve partially fixed me

something is still missing

and it feels like I’m trying to cover

a six inch gash with a

tiny circle bandaid.


With each passing day I grow more and more fond of you

I’m still trying to decide if this is me settling

Or if this is me finding the third person

On the timeline of the greatest loves of my life

Part of me is hoping that it’s the second–

that we’ll only grow closer and closer

and closer.

That every time we look into each other’s eyes

we will fall deeper and deeper

and deeper.

But another part of me,

maybe a bigger part of me,

is much too afraid to let myself care about

anyone as much as they deserve to be cared about.

Afraid to let someone new into my heart

because every other time that I have,

I have been ignored and disposed of

The minute I decided to truly let them in.


I love you,

but I miss him.

I look at the stars and they remind me of my past with him

but I also wish to share the experience of

seeing them like this with you.

Clouds of light shining on my tired eyes.

Sitting alone on this mountain

stuck between two worlds–

one of my past


one of my present.

Or maybe my future?

I feel like I’m stuck in some weird

romantically depressing yet also exciting limbo

and can’t put my finger on what is different

or what has changed

but I know it’s for the better

because for once, I’m happy.

And although it will take some getting used to,

I’m glad that things are the way that they are


Rather than the way that they were


Because I love you.

I love you

I love you

I love you!

And I can tell–for once–that you love me too.