It’s been a long time since I’ve communicated through GrrlPunch, or honestly even written. That’s the worst part about being depressed or having anxiety, it takes away the ability to do the things you love- at least for me. Things that were once the most important thing in the world to you become an after thought and you’re left analyzing the things you’ve done or things that haven’t even happened and yet you’re still worried they will or they won’t. It’s a really hard idea to put into words. It’s so abstract and different for each person that it affects.
I decide on the themes of the month really far in advance, usually around three in the morning on sleepless nights. But this is the first time that I’ve ever felt like a theme was meant for a month for a reason. I’ve felt stuck since the summer, having to come home without really wanting to come home can be one of the hardest things when you’re really trying to become an adult. I feel like I can’t really grow when my parents are only 3 minutes away- max.
So, this month’s theme is metamorphosis and truly it’s fitting because young people are always trying to grow, but I’ve never felt so stuck. But looking around, I know I’m not the only one… if only that were helpful. I just wish my Amazon cart wasn’t consistently full of self help books. “FOMO” can really add to all of these crappy feelings about myself even if the term is overused on social media. Being constantly connected to my phone and the lives of other people (living the life I long to live) is only adding to the feeling of being inadequate.
So yeah, that’s why readership and even my staff haven’t heard from me in a long time. How was I supposed to tell people about how lost I am without having the solution yet to ensure they don’t feel the same way? I just wasn’t comfortable with that. My personal relationship, or battle, with depression and anxiety made me a bad boss, a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad girlfriend, a bad student, and a bad coworker. That’s just the reality because it affected every single aspect of my life. I know there are so many bigger problems surrounding me and that people out there are going through way worse, but I can’t help others until I help myself or at least try to understand myself better.
For some reason, I’ve always thought that learning about other people’s lives and the solutions they found to their problems would result in a lit lightbulb appearing above my head. So, one of the books I ordered that I believe made me feel infinitely better was “When You Find Out The World’s Against You” by Kelly Oxford. I highly recommend you check it out even if you don’t feel like you need some words of wisdom. Oxford covers embarrassing stories of her youth, her struggle with her parent’s divorce, funny stories about her children and husband, and best of all- her struggle with an anxiety disorder. She’s funny and successful and WOW, even she has problems. How comforting is that? So, naturally, I ordered her other book after finishing the first in a day and I’ll write about that when I finish it up.
Here are some words of wisdom from an anxious nineteen year old for the month of November:
Stay in bed when you need to, but get out of bed when you know you should.
Read some funny books, watch some funny movies and TV shows and just laugh about stupid things.
Focus on school- who needs emotional stability when you have a degree..right?
Take a break if it’s needed, but never forget about the things that were important to you because they will be important again sometime soon.
Make a good playlist.
Punch some sh*t.
Appreciate the people who stick by you.