Ah, welcome to the depths of hell we mortals like to call “The Internet.” I am here to explain to all of you why global warming and climate change are NOT a byproduct of humanity’s toxic presence on this earth.
Now, before all of you liberal teens go off on me with your “science” and “facts” and “Bill Nye,” hear me out. We, the human race, are not at fault for our steadily warming earth and its disastrous implications. Donald Trump knows it – that’s why he pulled America out of the Paris Agreements designed to limit emission! We can emit whatever we want, because we’re Americans and none of this is our fault! What a smart man.
Wake up and smell the lack of responsibility, sheeple! You would blindly follow your science cult into taking the blame for something for which we clearly carry NO BLAME. There is absolutely NO CONNECTION between our rapid consumption and toxic emissions and the hole in ozone layer! That’s preposterous. Well Internet writer, you say. What do you propose is warming the earth? Where are your “facts” and “science?” Well, I may have no “facts” or “science” but I have something far more valuable – an opinion, a stubborn refusal to accept any other possible views, and millions of YouTube comment spaces on which to spread my gospel. So, without further ado, here is my far less preposterous view of things.
Far above us, deep within a magical cloud, lies a hidden cave. Within this cave lies a huge dragon. Formally named “He Of Complete Responsibility For Climate Change, Through No Fault Of The Human Race” (“HOCRFCCTNFOTHR” for short), this dragon awakens every morning with the rising of the sun and crowing of the rooster, stretches his huge, magical limbs, and smiles maliciously down upon our world. HOCRFCCTNFOTHR harbors an eons-long grudge on humanity, you see, again through no fault of our own.
And so, every morning, HOCRFCCTNFOTHR breathes a long, unending stream of blistering heat onto the earth and into the atmosphere. It is this magical, unrelenting heat that melts the icebergs, burns a hole into the ozone layer, causes drastic and catastrophic weather changes, and forces thousands of species into extinction. Our forever foe, the dragon hidden within the clouds, is the only thing to blame for climate change. It is because of HOCRFCCTNFOTHR that California is on fire, Puerto Rico is destroyed, and Houston was recently underwater. Hahaha. How mischievous of him.
This may seem unlikely, but it is in fact the only other possible explanation for whatever is happening to the earth if we disregard any role humanity may play. Basically, if climate change isn’t our fault (which it isn’t, because humans are perfect and the best thing to ever happen to this chunk of rock we call earth), then this is the only way to explain crazy weather changes! A magical dragon! And so, because it’s a magical dragon doing all this, we can continue to live our lives exactly as we live them now with no guilt or repercussions! Oh, we have fun.
So the next time some millennial says that maybe humans need to shape up and learn to recycle or maybe not drive Hummers, just remind them that they’re an idiot and it’s not our fault. Like Donald Trump or many of his devotees have been doing. Those folks, they’ve got the right idea.
In conclusion: sure, you can believe in the magical dragon and keep on ruining the world and we’ll be dead before it explodes anyway, you’re only dooming future generations and all other life that exists here. Goodbye!

 

P.S. This was sarcasm. I’d also like to apologize right off the bat in case it didn’t work. So sorry everyone!