“No-one knows me better than me.”

I tell myself in many different aspects of my life when people give me the slightest advice on what I want in life, work, love and sex.

This article was going in a completely different direction until I read Haley Nahman, digital editor at Man Repeller, article, “Six Things I Wish I Knew When I Started Having Sex.” The first thing that came to mind after reading it was, “Wow I wish this would have been published before the first time I had sex.” Then I thought, “I wish it was longer.” I wish the article would have dived deeper into the concept go women really knowing what we want out of sex, besides the obvious. Having that thought I realized me really knowing myself was a load of bullshit, because I don’t.

Nahman touches on communication being a sexy and healthy thing by saying, “I can’t believe how long I spent being shy about talking before/during/after/about sex. Such shyness — and more specifically, the culturally ingrained shame that inspired it — robbed my sex life of much-needed depth and color…” Those two sentences lingered in my mind, more specifically when she says “the culturally ingrained shame that inspired it.”

Women have been put into many roles in society all circling around the term “lady-like”. What does that even mean, lady-like? No cussing, being soft spoken and probably definitely means no talk about sex. Making it easy for me to fall short on being open with myself about what I want in sexual relationships but also just in life in general.

What do I actually want in life? What is my number one favorite movie?

Do I want to own my own company, be a freelance writer or do public relations?

What are the characteristics I see in a partner?

Am I more into dominance or submissiveness while having sex?

I do have conversations with myself, obviously, but the kind of conversations you have when you’re lying around practicing what Ellen Degeneres will ask you and how you will answer when you finally get invited to her show. The reason? Your acting debut alongside Violia Davis and Lupita Nyong’o, of course.

I know what I would say while giving my speech for winning an Oscar, but I don’t know what my favorite position while having sex is. I don’t know what my favorite part of my body is. And I don’t even really know how I like to be touched.

I want to have the conversations with myself that make me feel good. The type of conversations where I look into a mirror and just compliment myself. The type of conversation where I just ask myself how I’m doing. The conversation that makes me explore my sexuality and know what I’m looking for, so I am not only able to have this conversation with myself but a partner.

Haley Nahman ends her article with a question, “What do you wish you knew when you started having sex?” my answer is: I wish I knew me.