I am a bad person.
One time, somebody asked me if I thought I would be Springfest Queen (my school’s annual honoring of the nicest junior), and I laughed in her face. Just kidding, that never happened. I just lied to all of you. The only thing worse than rudeness is lies. I just gave you both. I am rude and a liar.
There are people that I know who are kind and generous and a joy to be around always. I am not one of those people. The only thing I hate more than people disagreeing with my opinion is apologizing, and I really dislike doing favors. I used to fantasize about becoming rich and famous and then thanking everyone I knew except my little sister. I find lying enjoyable. I will cry at an action movie but detest genuine displays of emotion. I am sarcastic to the point of meanness sometimes. I have had serious talks with my parents before about my lack of a filter.
I am a bad person. I know this. I have known this for years. But I want to be good. And no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to become that perfect human embodiment of niceness I so want to be, the girl who glows with a supernatural aura of purity and generosity. And no matter how much I try, I can’t change my past of being a bad person. Even if I magically shape up into a human angel tomorrow, it won’t un-break that hairbrush I threw at my bathroom floor in a blind fury after my mother took away my Poptart or something equally trivial.
This is what I have struggled with every time I have made a mistake. Is it even possible to be a good person after I have done bad things? Is it possible for me to start over?
No. I can’t change the past. But I can apologize. Publicly and in excruciating detail.
To my friend Olivia – I am sorry for that time two weeks ago when I tried to pick a fight with you over the song “One Foot” by Walk the Moon. I don’t like that song and you also apparently don’t like that song but I just really wanted to fight with someone. And to my friend Caroline – I am sorry for that one time in eighth grade when I unfriended you for 72 hours after you said that I faked falling next to the water fountain. At the time, I wasn’t even sure if I had faked it, but I just knew that I wanted justice. And to my friend Lauren – I am sorry for that one day in Mrs. Zehring’s English class when you dropped your binders and I pretended that I couldn’t hear you so I didn’t have to help you pick them up. That was an uncool move. And to my sister – I am sorry for being mean to you ever since you were born and for trying to make you carsick when driving you around and for calling you a demon behind your back. You are not a demon. And to my parents – I am sorry for never speaking to you and for rolling my eyes when you can clearly see me and for being really passive aggressive whenever you want the TV and for taking too long to text back.
These are, of course, specific apologies and I am sure that I have wronged pretty much every person I have ever come into contact with. So I would like to genuinely apologize right now. I am sorry. I am sorry for every mean comment I have ever made, every snide thing I have ever said behind someone’s back, every lie I have ever told.
I will admit that I am and have been a bad person. And I will admit that I can never be that supernaturally perfect nice girl. But I can be better, and I want to be better. Maybe the first step to becoming a better person is the simple act of wanting it. And if this is the only way for me to do it, then this is what I will do. I can’t change the past, but I can admit the mistakes that I have made and I can apologize. And that is all I can do. And maybe that is enough.