I love you.

I remember the first time I said this and meant it. Looking at my Pop Star magazine poster of Joe Jonas. I remember the first time I saw him in concert. I cried the entire show, which my mom will not let me live down. She didn’t understand I was sharing the same atmosphere with the love of my life at the age of 12. Which what I felt was real at that age, which was love… or my knowledge of it as a 12-year-old.

I love you.

I remember the first time I thought it. Or the first time I thought the idea of it. The first time I was spending too much time with someone who was exactly the idea image of the person I could see myself loving… Until he wasn’t.

That is just it. The idea of love is all I have ever known. The idea of love is what a lot of people have ever known. The idea of a movie magical moment, that does not exist. The question of, do I actually love this person or do I love the idea of this person? I have wasted a lot of mine and others time trying to see if they will fit this ideal narrative of this person I have living inside my head. Instead of asking myself that question.

Disclaimer: love is not like the movies. No part of it.

Another truth about love: it is awkward, uncomfortable and most importantly uneventful. It isn’t a screenplay by Cameron Crowe. I am not Penny Lane and love will never be as eventful as sleeping around with a rockstar following him on tour knowing nothing is going to come out of the situation except the moments that are shared on his tour. This is what I assumed my 12-year-old self thought would actually happened when I was scream crying each lyric with my whole heart at the Jonas Brothers concert.

Love is exciting, adventurous and chilling as told by mainstream media.

I’m not saying all romance can’t be magical or can’t be extraordinary. I just think there should be more accurate depictions of the reality of it all. You can feel everything Penny Lane felt about Russell Hammond or everything William Miller felt about Penny Lane, but the truth is it just wouldn’t play out as extraordinary as it does on screen and maybe you can find the beauty in that. Knowing that romance in the sense of movie won’t exist because some things are just too precious to exist in a reality as we live it.