Okay, maybe that wasn’t my best article caption, but I tried – I really did.

It is already May, and that makes me want to puke. Not only because of the many Justin Timberlake memes circulating my feeds, but, damn, this year has moved pretty quickly. I don’t really know how to feel about it. One might rejoice and think, “Ah, yes that sweet, sweet feeling of the Trump presidency being cut down by nearly half a year.” However, if you’re like me, you’ll overthink it and make it less about time and more about Y-O-U. Don’t you just love that character trait?

It is shocking when I remember that I ended things with my long-term partner over five months ago. Or, that I’ve just finished up my second semester of my sophomore year of college. Am I really half way there? Why does it not feel like it? Why has nothing really, actually, truly changed?

I hate logging onto online publications and seeing article titles like “How To Stop Being Lazy – Increase Productivity Tips” or “5 Hacks For A Healthier Week!” I don’t know why that lights a fire under my ass, but it does. Obviously these people have never actually tried to reinvent themselves. I do it nearly a dozen times a day, and yet, here I am. Clicking on an article like that, you’re given the most basic, non-descriptive advice known to man.

Step 1: “Just think one step ahead.”

I’m sorry, is this a coaching lesson for basic chess skills, or are you going to make me a new-age Gwyneth Paltrow by the end of this slideshow?

Step 2: “Make success as easy as possible.”

That’s when I exit out of that tab because what the f**k does that mean, and how the hell does that help?

It is easy to see that articles like this (that are honestly just trying to be helpful) infuriate me because I know I can’t just wake up one morning and achieve that kind of lifestyle without any hard work or failures. Obviously, I’m scared to fail. When I was younger, I never felt this sense of terror surrounding the negative “what if’s” of trying to do something because it never felt like my future or livelihood were riding on these impending actions. However, now it does.

Sooner or later I’d have to face the music, so here I am facing a symphony – that’s off key.

I miss my old life, and I’m scared for the new one that begins everyday. Yet, there is still that tinge of excitement. This just goes to show my predisposition to negativity and self-loathing. So, can you drink a gallon of water a day and be in a constant state of meditational downward dog and really change as a person? I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

But seriously, I’m moving toward a glass-half-full mindset – even if I’m not a successful CEO by 20. I’m still a complete person in spite (and because) of my smaller accomplishments. It is difficult to keep that in the back of your head when it is soooo much easier to knock yourself down at every questionable moment.

You don’t have to have the best life, your dream job or the most fulfilling hobbies to love yourself, or even LIKE yourself the tiniest bit.

Sooner or later you will meet yourself, the person you are and have always been. Sooner or later you’ll like (or love, if you’re lucky enough) yourself. Sooner or later you’ll have to apply for that terrifying internship/job. Sooner or later you’ll finish that self-help book that’s been collecting dust on your bed side table for the past six months. Sooner or later this moment of self-doubt and fear will be something you laugh about, or look back on fondly because it was all part of the process.

I hope you all have the most amazing May possible. Thank you for reading my constant ramblings, and if you’ve made it this far: mad respect. To wrap it up, I’d like us all to envision ourselves as the little dear sticking its tongue into an unsuspecting ear canal (see artwork) created by the always brilliant, Bella Cheng.

Kick ass this month.

Much Love Always,

Lucy