Disclaimer: apparently there are official and unofficial Disney princesses. I was confused (some website said Bambi is a Disney princess movie? No?), so I am just using the movies that I believe fit the criteria to be Disney princess movies. Anyway, here you go. My very official list.

Sleeping Beauty: In a brief appearance, my sister said, “Isn’t she like, not there for half of it?” Too true. Look, I’m sorry, but just because this movie is old does not make it good. Fight me, but movies have gotten better. If you’re only watching old movies, then you’re watching bad movies.

Snow White: See above. Also, I really dislike her hair. Also, I don’t like that trope that the perfect woman is perfect because she is beautiful but, more importantly, kind. Mostly just because I’m not that kind. Unrelatable.

Cinderella: Okay, so many issues with this movie and also the general story that I’m not going to get into because everyone already knows them. Yes, it’s a classic. That’s why it’s not last. Counterpoint: Cinderella’s hair is also ugly. And the kind thing. Look, I get that no prince will want to marry me. I got the point with all the other Disney princess movies. But also, is this whole “kindness is most important” thing really true? Are we really supposed to believe Meghan Markle won Harry’s heart with her kindness? I just don’t think it’s Most Important, unless I also don’t know what love is. Which could be true. Whatever, give me an unkind princess. Cinderella is a pushover.

The Little Mermaid: Listen, these songs are bumpin’. But the movie makes me sad. She gives up her family and her voice and her entire life to woo a guy she saw once on a boat and then briefly saved? Girl. No.

Frozen: Once upon a time, I loved this movie. I saw it twice in the theaters. But oh, no longer. Frozen permeated the very air I breathed. It was everywhere. Disney way overmarketed this movie. Also, why was the hype at one million for this movie? I don’t understand? Once, I bought the hype. I embraced the hype. I ate up the hype. But then, the hype ate me. I emerged scarred, a different person. The Frozen hype is all-encompassing, and it is lethal. In conclusion: a good movie, but is it worth it?

  1. Beauty and the Beast: Everyone ostracizes her for reading books. She is weird only because she reads. There is a bookstore in the town. How is this bookstore owner still operating his business? Is Belle the only customer? He gives her books for free. If this guy is giving away books to his only customer, how has he not starved to death? Why don’t the townspeople think this bookstore owner is weird? Belle just reads, but books are literally his livelihood. Also, does nobody else in this town ever read? Why does everyone hate books so much?

Aladdin: The best part of this movie was the genie. And Jasmine’s pants. But Aladdin was kind of a dick. Yeah, he gave away one loaf of bread to some kids, but he also tricked Jasmine and just has overall douchey mannerisms? And the songs are hard to sing along to. Everyone knows you just need a good chorus and not too many words. There are so many words. “A Whole New World” is the only one anyone remotely knows. I challenge you to sing that bread song or the Prince Ali one. You can’t do it, unless you watch Aladdin like every day. And if you do that, I don’t trust you.

  1. Pocahontas: I thought this movie was really good, but according to my little sister it apparently wasn’t. I thought she was lying, but then she showed me the reviews, and they were not amazing? Solely for “Colors of the Wind,” however, which I reprised on the glockenspiel for my school talent show, I am rating it high. Also, Pocahontas doesn’t end up with John Smith, which I like. Stick to your guns, Pocahontas. Honestly, screw Rotten Tomatoes, I’ve decided this is a good movie. And if you’re one of those people who always complain, “Oh, how did they understand each other they speak different languages,” THEY SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE. It was explained when the tree leaves wrapped around them. Points deducted for Pocahontas 2. Some may say that’s unfair, but I think Pocahontas 2 was unfair. We didn’t deserve that. Yeah, it’s Pocahontas’s real story, but I don’t watch Disney for truth. Give me beautiful lies, dammit.

The Princess and the Frog: A truly beautiful movie. Also, an interesting take on the Princess and the Frog story. Who pitched it as involving voodoo and witch doctors, set in New Orleans sometime between the 1900s and today? What a strange adaptation. It worked so well though. The crocodile and the firefly stole the show. Voodoo man did give me nightmares, but that was my own weakness. Not to mention, this movie has by far the best animated food out of the entire Disney franchise. And I love Tiana. And the “Almost There” song is perfect for travel and also achieving life goals I guess? I’ve never really achieved a major life goal, but it’s fun for road trips. Not ranked higher because I don’t think the relationship between Tiana and the prince will work out. I mean, maybe. But probably not.

  1. Moana: Love this movie. She doesn’t end up with a man, and I appreciate that. Baby Moana is adorable. I do think the ocean could’ve probably helped a bit more, and that is a plot hole for me, personally. And I liked the mom a lot and thought perhaps she could have played a larger role. But the songs are, once again, bumpin’. And it’s got Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. And some beautiful animation. And truly heart-wrenching moments. But most importantly, I feel like Moana has, like, a cult of diehard fans. So yes, this movie is ranked high because I enjoyed it and think it is a genuinely beautiful movie, but also, fear.

Brave: See the Pixar breakdown. When she shot for her own hand, Merida also shot for my heart. And oh, she won it.

Tangled: When she watched it, my mother said, “Clever.” WHAT A COMPLIMENT. And what a way to reimagine a boring story nobody cares about because it’s boring. Magical hair? Mandy Moore? The dude who played Chuck? Catchy yet hauntingly beautiful songs? Two people who truly grow in character and maturity throughout the movie? A protagonist who is kind but, like, not annoying about it? A nightmare aging scene to finish it all off? Sign me up.

Mulan: I could write an entire article just about Mulan. I might in the future. But for now, let me just say: a feminist icon. She saved all of China, you guys. The scene where everyone bows to her? Chills. And EVERY SINGLE SONG IS PERFECT. Not just “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You,” fake fans. Plus, what a gay icon. And she’s so smart! And brave. And the Hun scene with the whole army appearing over the mountain is the most beautiful piece of cinematography probably ever. Anyway, I worship at Mulan’s feet. Honestly, this movie is number one even without Eddie Murphy as a spunky red dragon. But THAT ALONE would have gotten it the number one spot. I would kill and die for this movie. Honestly, I will accept challenges on any movie’s placement on this breakdown. But not Mulan. Never Mulan. Number one then, number one now, number one forever. Peace out.