Marvel is taking over the world. I, however, am not ashamed to say that I diligently watch these movies. Listen, I enjoy them, okay? So if you’re one of those people who only watches silent films and thinks big-budget superhero movies are destroying indie cinema and the true art of film, you’re maybe right but I already wrote these descriptions so please don’t hate.
The Incredible Hulk: I did not watch this movie. Neither did my sister. I briefly considered watching it for research purposes, and then realized I have zero interest in this. This movie is basically useless. Claire’s take on it: “I feel like if I was Ed Norton I would be salty, because they replaced me and Mark Ruffalo was a smashing success.” Fun fact: she didn’t even know Ed Norton was Bruce Banner in this movie instead of Mark Ruffalo until I told her. That’s how irrelevant it is.
Thor: The Dark World: Didn’t watch this. Again, zero interest. Claire did. She says, “Wasn’t that good. That was the one where they forgot Natalie Portman.
Avengers: Age of Ultron: I did watch this, I just didn’t like it. There was one scene where Scarlet Witch destroyed a door, and that was the one highlight of the entire movie. They destroyed a whole city. Also, the villain is a weird robot that looks like that skinny blue robot from the movie Robots. Look it up. According to Claire, “he looks like a deer mixed with a dumpster.” Doesn’t make sense, but okay.
Captain America: The First Avenger: Listen, I LOVE Captain America and Sebastian Stan is my one true love, but this movie is awful. The setting is World War II and they squander this. Also, the villain gets a freaking infinity stone and uses it to make slightly better guns? Grow up.
Iron Man 3: To be honest, I didn’t watch this. According to my little sister, however, “I was really excited for Guy Pearce and it was a letdown.”
Iron Man 2: I know most of you probably disagree with me ranking this movie as relatively okay, but I had a lot of fun. Mickey Rourke had electric whips, and I just think that is a rollicking good time. If this movie didn’t give you some modicum of joy, then you are a sociopath. Ranked low because of everything else.
Thor: Thor didn’t find his groove until Ragnarok. According to Claire, “he’s only good when he’s not on Earth.” There was a funny iPod joke and the coffee cup thing that made a thousand Marvel meme accounts and Natalie Portman, and that was pretty much it. Sorry. I guess if you’re a Hawkeye fan, he made his debut, but I think Hawkeye sucks. #ReplaceHim.
Doctor Strange: This is the point where the movies start getting good. Not amazing, but, you know, passable. It is very obvious that these comic books were written in the 70’s by people high on LSD. I think that adds a certain charm to the movie, however. Points taken off for Tilda Swinton as a Tibetan monk and the main character being an arrogant douchebag with few redeeming qualities. Anyone else think Benedict Cumberbatch is maybe being typecast? That’s rhetorical. You can’t answer anyway.
Ant-Man: At a certain point, you just gotta ask “Why?” And when I think of this movie, I think “Why indeed?” Listen, this was a good time, but, like, why does it exist? They probably could have just stuck Ant-Man into the Avengers franchise without his own movie and nobody would have asked any questions. We didn’t ask any questions about Scarlet Witch, and her powers are way vaguer and harder to explain. Props for “giving Paul Rudd a shirtless scene,” according to Claire. So vapid.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2: This was a funny movie, but not as funny as other Marvel movies. If it wants to make the top of the list, it’s got to be either hilariously funny or just genuinely good. It’s pretty funny and pretty good, but not enough of either to be the best. Points for the giant Pac-Man and making me shed genuine tears. I shed genuine tears at a lot of stuff, though, so no big whoop.
Marvel’s The Avengers: This was an important movie for bringing all the Avengers together. As Claire says, “A classic. It’s movie comfort food.” Ranked high because of aforementioned importance. Ranked low because it’s actually not that good when you think about it.
Avenger’s Infinity War: This movie is ranked number eight pretty much solely because it was way better than I thought it would be. Come on, there were like sixty characters. Did anyone actually think this was going to be good? It pleasantly surprised me, then ripped my soul out. We are all dust, and to dust we shall return. (Little religion joke there. Claire says, “You’re not religious enough to be able to make little religion jokes.”)
Spider-Man: Homecoming: Okay, now all these movies are amazing. Claire and I debated for a long time. Sorry, but Spider-Man drew the short straw. It was a teen comedy AND a superhero movie and I loved it. Claire says, “Also, Zendaya.” I was doubtful before because I thought Tom Holland was unattractive, but boy did I change my mind. Points for diversity, lack of an origin story, a relatable villain, two seconds of Donald Glover, and Comedy. Claire says, “It’s number seven to show you how good these next movies are.” I like to think of it as the pre-Revenant Leonardo DiCaprio of my very important rankings that I’m sure everyone cares about very much: it may not win the Oscar, but that doesn’t mean it’s not trying its best, and it is still quite good, and it should be respected for that.
Captain America: Civil War: Who would’ve thought that those two dudes who directed Community would whip this out? Not me, I tell you. Not me. I tried to describe that motorcycle flip just now, and I have no words. I love Bucky Barnes and also this movie is like technically flawless? Listen, I saw this four times in the theaters. It’s ranked not number one because of Reasons. I don’t know, don’t make me explain myself. I nearly cried writing this description.
Thor: Ragnarok: Again, this movie makes me ask “Why?” But then I find I need no answer. This is what the Thor movies should have always been. When describing the second Guardians of the Galaxy movie, you may recall I said to be at the top a Marvel movie has to be either hilariously funny or genuinely good. This movie is hilariously funny, and also pretty good. Claire: “Jeff Goldblum playing himself? A real highlight.” Not number one because it wasn’t monumental or anything. Just a wild ride I really enjoyed and very much hope comes to Netflix soon. In conclusion, Korg is my king now. All hail Taika Waititi.
Guardians of the Galaxy: Again, did anyone think this was going to be good? But it was. It was so good. Super weird, but super good. Best soundtrack of any Marvel movie. And this did the most with infinity stones, which was pretty useful for Infinity War considering I didn’t even remember those were at all important or even existed until I watched a recap to pregame. Funny, good, and Vin Diesel plays a tree. What more could a girl ask for? Number four because the other three are better.
Iron Man: Technically, this movie should not be number three. Like, I enjoyed it, but I didn’t love it. Did anyone love this movie? Test: what was the villain’s name? It was Obadiah. Did you remember that? No, because you haven’t seen this movie since 2008. It’s number three, though, because it was the movie that began the entire franchise. Without Iron Man, there would be no other Marvel movies. Also, it was RDJ’s comeback and I feel like that’s historically important. Like in the future, when RDJ rules the universe, everyone will look back on this movie and then I’ll be crucified for not ranking it higher. By RDJ.
Black Panther: Those ladies fighting Michael B. Jordan at the end alone make this a movie for the ages. Also, like its importance for representation and the relevant issues about racism and our society and stuff. And the opening with vibranium sand was cool. And the fight as they fell through the air. And Lupita Nyong’o. And Okoye destroying the Get Out man. My one complaint is that there was a lot of meme culture involving Shuri and I just feel like that will not age well. But the rest of the movie is an A++. In conclusion, I would just like to say that I liked Michael B. Jordan since That Awkward Moment AND I stuck with him through Fantastic Four and all of you are bandwagon fans. Owned.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier: Knife fight. Easy plotline. Sebastian Stan. Knife fight. Betrayal. Brainwashing. Knife fight. Corporations are untrustworthy. “I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.” Knife fight. Loyalty. Knife fight. Need I say more? This movie is perfect. In conclusion: knife fight.