Well hello there, and welcome to a little series where I rank movies based on my own personal preferences. But I’m right. And if you don’t agree, fight me. I’m public on Instagram; if you can find me, you’re free to yell as much as you want in the DMs. But, again, I’m right. Just keep that in mind. Anyway, we’re going to start with Pixar. Settle in, there’s like twenty of these.

Cars 3: Didn’t watch this. No interest in watching it. Cars 1 was bad. The franchise didn’t need to continue.

Cars 2: Also didn’t watch. See above reasons.

Cars: Did not like this movie. Lightning McQueen is a dick and also stupid. Who cares if he gets second or third place at the end of the movie? That whole pushing the other car thing wasn’t noble or anything, it was dumb. He should’ve just finished the race, thereby ending it quickly and allowing that other injured car to receive medical attention. Do I have a grudge against the Cars movies? Obviously. Do I know why? No. Yes. They aren’t good.

The Good Dinosaur: Listen, now that we’ve gotten the Cars movies out of the way, all the Pixar movies are great. Sorry, but something’s gotta be in last place. This one just doesn’t have the oomph factor all other Pixar movies have. And, let’s be honest, did you even watch this? Also, that dinosaur dad was really mean. And it weirded me out how all the dinosaurs acted like humans. I get that it was supposed to be like an inverted human-animal theme, but they were farming and stuff. Too far. And there was so much favoritism. What was with that marking the silo deal? Way unfair.

A Bug’s Life: I don’t remember this movie much. It must not have made that big of an impression. There was an ant. Pixar can and has done better.

Monsters University: I’ve never been to college, but I don’t think this is accurate.

Ratatouille: Delightfully weird. Thoroughly unsettling when thought about in depth. Gave me nightmares as a child. I never got the hype about ratatouille. It doesn’t look that difficult to make according to Buzzfeed Tasty. I cannot believe someone made this movie about a rat chef directing a human by pulling his hair. Props to Pixar for doing it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite manage to bump any of the other movies.

Finding Dory: This is tearing me apart. I hate this list. Points deducted because it is a sequel (I’M SORRY, I have to narrow them down somehow and you can’t deny that sequels just don’t have the same status) and a very implausible ending. Points added because of the octopus and the beluga who can’t echolocate.

Coco: Visually stunning. What a twist. Important for representation. I cried so many times. Sadly, Gael Garcia Lorca cannot sing, as evidenced by the Oscars. That’s a point deduction. I want this to be higher so badly, but there are so. Many. Good. Movies.

Monsters Inc.: Love this movie. Didn’t win because I love the other movies more. Also, I always really hated Mike Wazowski for some reason. Don’t ask me why. He just rubs me the wrong way. But the whole laughter over fear thing is chef’s kiss.

Toy Story 2: Other Toy Stories were better. But we did get Jesse in this one. Points deducted because the old collector man gave me nightmares and I became briefly paralyzingly terrified of airports and baggage claims. Also, my first heartbreak was when Woody’s shoe got repainted. So I guess points for breaking my heart? Pixar is rough.

Toy Story: Began the Toy Story franchise, so immediately one million points. Sid and his nightmare room was maybe a little heavy for children’s fare, but still freaked me out less than Ratatouille, which for some reason apparently heavily scarred me. Props to Pixar for making Woody a dick but still likable with clear motives. Too bad they couldn’t carry that over to the Cars franchise.

Inside Out: Wins for being amazing and explaining child emotions in a fun and creative way. Loses for making Riley briefly a sociopath (that bus scene, remember?). That’s not relatable. I hope. Other than that, this is pretty much a perfect movie. If I was ranking any other category of movie in which it is featured, it would win nine times out of ten. I LOVE this movie.

Finding Nemo: A classic. I don’t need to debrief you on this.

The Incredibles: This movie is timeless. It is still as fun now as it was when I first watched it at age zero, or whenever it came out. Violet and Dash are the perfect two examples of kids literally anyone can identify with: the shy, quiet one and the hyperactive troublemaker. Also Dash can run on water. Does this make him a Christ figure? I’m no professor, but I did take AP Lit this year, and I say that’s a solid yes.

Brave: Fight me. This movie changed my life. Her mom turns into a bear? Classic. And endlessly quotable. Don’t pretend you didn’t practice accent work with “Ah wont my freeeeedom!” It’s got everything: witches, deadlines, Scotland, arrows, fish catching, cookies, red hair, concerning heights, horses, needlework, triplets, Stonehenge-like structures, will-o-the-wisps, family dynamics, strong women, drama, comedy, festivals, and mist. What more could you ask for? Nothing, I tell you.


Up: First time, I’ll admit, this movie really scared me. I came back for the talking dog, and I stayed for literally everything else. It’s so atypical and that makes it the perfect example for what Pixar does best. An old man, a talking dog, and a Boy Scout band together to defeat an evil explorer with a canine army in a house buoyed by balloons and together form a ragtag family to replace loved ones they lost, whether through death or divorce? Weird. But Pixar DID THAT, and I cried so much. This is what Pixar does best: tells the stories no one else would think to tell, or would even consider marketing to a mainstream audience, and they do it beautifully and in a way that kids and parents and teens and everyone can find something to relate to and someone they connect with and some meaning that resonates with them. I love Up.

WALL-E: FIGHT ME. This movie is freaking amazing. I’m not going to defend it because I have heard people giving it a lot of flak and I’m not going to demean this brilliant piece of art by suggesting it needs a defense. With WALL-E, Pixar looked at environmental change and the health crisis and the advancement of technology and predicted where the world was going and confronted all of these issues in a CHILDREN’S MOVIE, and THEY MADE IT, and THEY SOLD IT. And they also put a cute lil robot and a cute lil love story in it? And they made this robot who only says his own name and one other the main character, and they gave him a whole personality revolving around facial expressions and inflections of the same two words? Pixar pulled a Groot on us before Groot was a thing! WALL-E is brilliant. I think one of the top five movies ever. The camera obscura, the rudimentary first moving pictures shot by Eadward Muybridge, the first silent train film; all were leading to WALL-E. Fin.