I am creeping up on my graduation date realizing: I have no idea what I am doing. Not one clue. And the worst part about that is I break out in hives that take over my entire body if I slightly think about what I actually want to do.
Now that the end of my first and only career is coming to an end, I have forcefully been made to sit down and think about my future a lot this year and let me just say, it is not my favorite thing to do. I have been gratefully able to go to college and I’ve had one dream since it started which was to finish and start my career. Well, now the graduation date is almost near and I have an average of three panic attacks a day about it. First panic attack starts at 9 am, the second in the middle of my day when I call my mom and start the conversation with, “I’m so annoyed.” I Finally end my day with a calming cry that puts me right to sleep. I wish this was a joke but it is about 90% accurate.
I have waited for forever to be done with this career of being a student since freshman year of high school. Now I have come to the realization that I have had one occupation for the majority of my life, that I’m really good at, which is being a student. Being a student has been the one constant in my life and it is scary to think that, that chapter is closing.
The one lesson I’m sure i’ve learned all these years of school is how to learn, how to be a good student. How do I transfer that over into my day to day life. When I interview my number one answer to any question is I love learning new things. I love it because I know I’m good at it. Obviously, I mean not to be repetitive but I have been doing it my entire life ( insert clown emoji).
I have learned many different things: math, reading, writing, history, geography, public relations and the list goes on. Which is great but now I’m done learning those things but I’m still waiting for someone to teach me how to manage multiple savings accounts, how to buy a car or a house, knowing what questions to ask when you are ready to buy those big purchases. I feel like there is so much for me to learn still and now that I’m graduating and I have not learned all the things I need to know to make me a “contributor to society,” I feel robbed, pissed and a little scared about it.
I was born ready for this. For the end of this emotional, anxiety prone relationship with college since the day I started. The sensational feeling I get when thinking abut never attending a lecture, taking a test or paying to do all of this gives me an undoubtedly high that I can not shake. The feeling of what I think to be freedom. The freedom of letting go of an interesting yet sometimes toxic relationship that has kept you for your entire life. I have dreamt of this: graduation, me pursuing my career and just being happy. Now I’m leaving the one job I have always had to start over, to wake up and do something new for at least another twenty years of my life, if i’m lucky to find work after this career ends.