After I finished my fall 2018 semester, I realized that there is something scarier than waiting for your grades to become final: realizing that these will be some of your last grades. Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate receiving grades. Not to mention, I despise being in a classroom because I’ve always felt it inhibits my creativity.
However, graduating college marks the end of my lifetime of being in a classroom. To be frank, that scares the shit out of me. After all, it is almost impossible for me to imagine working a 9 to 5 job and having weekends off (seems too good to be true. . .).
I wish I could say that this was a natural end to a typical college experience, but the ironic part is that my accelerated experience was my own doing. As soon as I entered college, I knew it was not for me. I knew that I was ready to work before I had ever even tried my hand at it. I put as much coursework on my plate as my advisor would allow, and I began my sprint toward that glorified sheet of paper they call a diploma.
Now, here I am on my final lap, and I’m exhausted, slightly excited and riddled with anxiety. With the spring semester in front of me and my responsibilities staring me in the face, I had an ill-timed brush with imposter syndrome.
Out of seemingly nowhere, I started to fear that I would not be able to finish this semester. Or, even worse, I was terrified that I wasn’t as talented as I thought. The idea of submitting a job application made me sick because I thought my resume and writing samples would be scoffed at.
This feeling of ineptness birthed an even more frustrating dilemma: writer’s block. I’ve experienced bouts of block before, but never like this. The coupling of imposter syndrome and writer’s block made me feel like I was entirely incapable of obtaining a career–especially in writing.
I am still trying to find some resolve, but, to be honest, I am still struggling with this overwhelming sense of incompetence.
As I write this article, I don’t have a logical end to this spiel (yet?). After all, I am only a few weeks into my last semester. Perhaps I won’t feel completely settled and sure of myself until I have my degree in hand and career lined up. Even if that is the case, I may still be plagued with a little bit of homesickness for the comfort that college brought.
The point is, impending graduation brings about many feelings of uncertainty, and resolve seems like a distant concept in a far-fetched future. But, hell, if everyone else can do this adulting thing, I guess I’ll give it a shot.